It's All Gravy
by kyleisgod
Summary: Based on episode 1505. Kyle wrestles with his guilty conscience, which inevitably leads him to literally wrestling against Cartman.


Author's Note: This oneshot is basically my first real public attempt at a, sort-of, Kyman story. It's based on episode 1505. Specifically, my personal headcanon about a scene in the episode that we don't get to see all of thanks to a forward-time cut. They aren't aged-up here, so no sexy times, but I think there's enough to keep Kyman fangirls entertained. You readers can be the judges of that, however.

Disclaimer: Much as I'd like to, I still don't own South Park.

/

"Cartman, this _can't_ be legal."

Kyle frowned. His eyebrows knitted together skeptically as he scrutinized the company's budget sheet. A smiling Cartman adjusted a knob. The bubbling gravy's temperature lowered to a more reasonable degree. Cartman inhaled a whiff of the now-scented air as he removed his sports coat and silk tie. "Kyle, you seem stressed out."

"I am! Because _you_ bought a hot tub with charitable donations!"

"First of all, get your facts straight: _We_ bought a hot tub with charitable donations. It's very important to keep a legal distinction between yourself and your charity organization. Secondly, this is clearly a business expense. It's not like the other employees won't get to use this too."

A disgusted expression formed across Kyle's face. "Why would we _want_ to?"

"What, you don't like hot tubs?" Eric removed one of his fine leather shoes; revealing a dirt-covered sock that was overdue for a washing. After both socks were removed, Cartman very carefully dipped one of his big toes into the hot tub; testing if the gravy was fit to touch human flesh without severely burning it.

Kyle cringed in response to the rising foot odor. He quickly averted his head; his nose inhaling the far superior gravy fumes instead. "Not like _this_ I don't! Who else but you would possibly want to _bathe_ in _gravy_ , fat ass?!"

"That's _mister_ fat ass to you Kahl, and I'll thank you to please retain some professionalism at the work place!" Naturally Cartman followed up such a statement by shamelessly dropping his pants around his ankles. "Besides, you know the old saying: don't knock it 'til you've tried it."

"Why would anyone even want to try this?" Kyle tiredly asked; his head increasingly aching thanks to Cartman's antics. "It's stupid. This whole _thing_ is stupid."

"Kyle seriously, what's wrong with you? I mean besides being a Jew." The crack earned Cartman a hateful glare. Mostly because it wasn't a crack at all, but Eric's honest opinion on Kyle's supposedly incorrect faith. Nonetheless, Cartman had accurately observed that something was bothering Kyle. He had been on-board with the Association up to this point, so besides the obvious audit risk, why stand up to Cartman now? Kyle was prepared to say "Nothing", but Cartman actually stood before him, in his Wellington Bear boxers no less, impatiently awaiting an actual answer. "Well?"

Kyle sighed. He had to unburden this guilty weight on his shoulders, and it felt good having someone to talk with again. Even if that someone was Eric Cartman, it was nice to be cared about. As much as Cartman was capable of caring, anyway. Defeated, Kyle gave an honest response. "It's Stan."

Cartman insensitively rolled his eyes. "Oh Christ, here we go."

"He's been giving me the silent treatment lately. He's _really_ upset about the whole crackbaby basketball thing." Who could imagine why.

"Kyle, just because you're having a little lover's quarrel right now doesn't mean you have to rain on everyone else's parade. In fact it's all the _more_ reason why you should get in this tub and relax for a few minutes. Do you have any idea how good KFC gravy feels on the skin?"

"You sound like a cannibal."

"Dude, you come out of a nice bath smelling like eleven herbs and spices. That's better than any lotion or cologne. When I visit KFC I always take home extra gravy cups just so I can have a nice soak once a month. I'm telling you it's awesome!"

"It's unsanitary."

Cartman shrugged. "Whatever. Our maid's just gonna clean the tub."

Kyle's eyes glanced back down to the budget sheet. "You hired a cleaning lady too?"

"All right, that's it! If you're going to be any good to this company you seriously need to loosen up. You'll thank me for this later, Kahl."

"For what?"

Cartman stepped forward. One hand gripped Kyle by the bottom of his neck tie as the other hand snatched away the budget sheet. Cartman yanked the tie as though Kyle were a disobedient puppy; causing Kyle's fists to pound frantically against Cartman's face and exposed chest. Despite the vicious assault, Cartman managed to carelessly crumple up Kyle's detailed report into a worthless paper ball. He shot it carelessly toward a waste basket, but it bounced off the rim and landed on the marble floor. Oh well. Just another opportunity for Lupita to really earn her buck-fifty an hour. Kyle's hands ceased their attack on Cartman once gut instinct finally made way for logical thought. Kyle simply removed his tie instead. Coughing out his next words, he wished he'd thought of that solution much sooner.

"Get off me, dude! What the fuck?! That report took me all morning you fat piece of shit!"

Kyle finally breathed in sweet oxygen once again while intensely staring down his employer. He removed his sports coat and rolled up his dress shirt's sleeves. This was done in order to give his arms better movement for what he planned to do next. He knew he could get fired over this, but with the guilt Stan had been making him feel lately, Kyle wasn't sure if he even wanted to stay at this damn job anymore anyway. Cartman smiled again; naively misinterpreting Kyle's clothing removal as a sign of his desire to relax after all. Eric smugly closed his eyes.

"Kyle I was just trying to-"

" _DIE_!"

Kyle charged. His shoulder collided hard against Eric's flabby stomach; jiggling the visible flesh. Cartman stumbled backward until the backs of his knees hit the edge of the hot tub. As he fell, his hands reached forward in a futile attempt to grasp onto something and stop his movement. He grabbed fists full of Kyle's ginger locks. If he couldn't stop himself from falling in, he could at least make sure to take Kyle down with him. Where the head went, the body followed. Or else. Kyle's own forward momentum coupled with Cartman's tight grip was all it took to send both of them splashing loudly into the sea of gravy. Once there, they began angrily wrestling around, trying to drown one another under the thick substance. Unfortunately, they couldn't fight for very long with their bodies slick from the sticky goo. They slipped out of each other's hands again and again until finally giving up on the idea. Panting, they swam off to different ends of the hot tub.

"Awww!" Kyle cried out. His eyes frantically inspected himself for damage. Amazingly, his trademark green ushanka survived all the gravy spills. The rest of his ensemble wasn't as fortunate. "Goddammit Cartman! My whole suit is stained now!"

"It's kewl, Kahl."

"No it's not cool!"

"It's kewl!" Cartman insisted. "Just take it off. Lupita will clean it and I've got a spare you can borrow after lunch."

Kyle knew that Cartman's generosity was most likely just a desperate attempt to make peace before Kyle could get any madder and kick the crap out of him inside of his own gravy hot tub paradise. Still, if those stains had any hope of being removed, the sooner the suit went into the wash, the better. Kyle complied with Eric's request and promptly removed his clothing underneath of the gravy-water. A once again care-free Cartman did the same, removing his soaked boxer shorts. Thankfully for both boys' respective eyes, the thick gravy concealed their privates from view. Eric swam over to what could be considered the deep end of the tub. A silver platter of french fries sat at the tub's edge. Eric squeezed his boxers in his fists; raining down gravy onto his lunch. "Have you ate yet?"

Kyle shuddered. "I'm good, thanks."

Cartman munched on some poutine. "Fine, more for me. ...Well?"

Kyle blinked. "Well what?"

"You aren't leaving the tub."

Kyle's face registered shock. Holy shit, Cartman was right! He had been sitting in warm gravy for several minutes and didn't even mind it until it was brought back to his attention. Worse, now that he _was_ focused on it, Kyle still didn't feel an immediate urge to exit the tub. The gravy made his skin smooth. It was warm in there. Scented steam filled Kyle's nostrils; inviting him to stay put. Kyle hated when Cartman was right about things. Absolutely hated it.

"I _told_ you it was sweet in here, dude." Cartman smugly smiled. "Remember this lesson the next time I ask you to trust me. It doesn't look good if my Vice President is going against me all the time."

Kyle's eyebrows rose. "Vice President? No no, I'm just an accountant here, remember?"

Cartman winked. "Not anymore you're not."

Hmm. A random job promotion while in the middle of skinny-dipping during their lunch hour. Kyle's mind once again became occupied by a singular thought.

'This _can't_ be legal.'


End file.
